Chasing after a bike

Man 1: “So there’s about 15 of us outside the bar; sun’s shining, conversation was flowing- it was really nice. Then this twat in a Chelsea football shirt comes by, pissed as a fart and starts swearing at us and falling in to the tables, drinks flying…”

Man 2: “Shit. What happened?”

Man 1: “We managed to get rid of him with the help of the owner. He walked off screaming and swearing at us- put a bit of a dampner on things. Anyway we carried on there until midnight and then had a few more drinks nearby and then I left. I was riding home and I saw that bloke again. He was absolutely blottoed. I mean I was hammered but he was off the scale”.

Man 2: “What did you do?”

Man 1: “I rode past him, and I had a right go at him. I told him he was a fuckin’ loser and saddo and that Chelsea were shit and that I shagged his mum and she loved it”

Man 2: “Noooooo”.

Man 1: “Yep. It was hilarious. He tried to chase after me. I kept stopping to swear at him and when he caught his breath and started to run after me again I just rode off. There was no way he could catch me.”

Man 2: “Classic. Absoluuuute classic”

Man 1: “To a point it was. He was fuuuuming, he was sooo angry and the angrier he got, the more shit I gave him. It went on for ages- he kept coming after me. I couldn’t stop myself- I was pissing myself- it was just too funny.”

Man 2: “You’re mad”.

Man 1: “I almost got killed.”

Man 2: “Watchu mean?”

Man 1: “I carried on swearing at him and riding off when he chased me. This one time I rode off and was looking backwards at him, swearing and laughing… and then I got pummelled- this bloke came out of nowhere- he must have been this bloke’s mate and he must have come running at me ‘cos he took me out big time. I didn’t see him at all”.

Man 2: “You’re shittin’ me.”

Man 1: “Nope. I was lying on the floor- I didn’t know what had happned. I looked around and saw this bloke standing over me. He just stood there- he didn’t know what to do. Then I heard nutter Chelsea bloke running towards us and screaming at him to grab me.”

Man 2: “Mate I can’t listen to this…”

Man 1: “He was pegging it, really fast… really angry.”

Man 2: “What the fuck do you expect.”

Man 1: I just got up and ran. Had to leave my bike there. I just ran as fast as I could. It was like something out of a cartoon- they were literally at my heels. I reckon if they reached out they could just about have grabbed my collar and pulled me back. I don’t think I’ve ever run that fast in my life. There was NO ONE around at all. I thought I was a goner.”

Man 2: (Putting his hand to his mouth). “Shiiiiit.”

Man 1: “I didn’t even know where I was running and was at Lambeth North tube station and I saw these lights and a load of people outside the tube station. They were doing work outside on the road- about 6- 7 blokes with hard hats. I just ran straight for them shouting ‘Help. Help, they’re trying to kill me’. They had to move out of the way as I wasn’t stopping and I ran straight in to them. I’m not sure what happened next, but one of them broke my fall and when I looked around the workmen had formed a ring around me and wouldn’t let those blokes near me”.

Man 2: “Mate, you always get out of this shit. I can’t believe it. You’re an idiot.”

Man 1 : “I know. They were pushing against them. Chelsea bloke was screeeeeaming at me. He would have killed me. Seriously- there was no talking to the guy. I honestly think he would have killed me. They stood around for ages trying to get to me. I just kept telling the workmen that they attacked me and nicked my bike and I had to run away. The workers called the police and then they both went away. Coppers came and I told them that two blokes pushed me off my bike. They drove me to go and pick up the bike but it was gone. Gutted.”

Man 2: “Mate, you’re lucky to be alive. You can get another bike”.

Man 1: “I know. I’m such an idiot”.

Man 2: “You always get yourself in to this shit. I don’t know anyone that gets in to so many scrapes… that’s mental. You’re mental.”

Man 1: “I know. I’m a bloody idiot. I hope I don’t bump in to him again”.

Man 2: (Under his breath). “Mate there’s a bloke in a Chelsea top staring at us over there”.

Man 1: “Don’t do that. I think I’ve just shat myself. We’re 40 and we’re still a bunch of kids.”

Man 2: “Speak for yourself son.”